Production Numbers

One can only guess at what the new theater season holds. And because speculating about theater, at least in Phoenix, is often more entertaining than actually looking at it, here's a list of facts and likely figures about where we're at and what's to come.

Number of Equity companies: 4

Approximate number of shows this season: 217

Number of shows worth seeing: 17

Number of breasts potentially exposed in Nearly Naked Theatre's season: 13

Number of one-woman shows by big-deal Broadway divas: 4

Number of Christ-specific musicals: 4

Number of Christmas shows: 11

Number of gentiles who will appear in the combined casts of these shows: 3

Number of people under 30 expected to attend theater this season: 42

Number of people who will walk out of a show at intermission: 433

Number of people who will walk out of a Tempe Little Theatre show at intermission: nearly all of them

Number of people who will say, "It wasn't as good as the movie": 179

Number of morons who will forget to turn off their cell phones: 294

Productions of George Bernard Shaw's Arms and the Man: 2

Number of people who actually want to see George Bernard Shaw's Arms and the Man: 7

Number of good reasons to see Scottsdale Center for the Arts' production of Menopause: The Musical: 0

Number of curtain speeches by Actors Theatre's Matthew Wiener in which he'll ask audience members to donate money: 104

Number of people who will actually donate money: 13

Number of heterosexual men working in local theater: 7.5

Number of actors who will thank God in their playbill bios: 582

Number of actors who will thank their cats: 73

Number of amazing performances by Maria Amorocho: all of them

Number of amazing performances by Peter Hill: 0

Number of hours devoted to mean-spirited backstage gossip: 8,760

Number of current Zoni nominations: 731

Number of Zonis that will likely be awarded to Valley Youth Theatre: 727

Number of times Black Theatre Troupe will replace a director or leading lady mere days before opening night: 5

Number of comfortable seats at The Space Theatre: 0

Number of musicals Phoenix Theatre will produce this season: 4

Number of musicals Phoenix Theatre will produce this season that will be made to look exactly like the movie version: 4

Number of mind-bendingly ugly wigs Manuela Needhammer will design: 3,124

Number of leading ladies who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 12

Number of leading men who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 83

Number of chorus boys who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 2,742

Number of times "theater critic" Mark Turvin will review a show in which his wife or one of his friends appears: 68

Number of shows the Arizona Republic's Kyle Lawson will review: 5

Number of shows he'll love: 5

Number of theater critics worth reading: 1